I had my life all scheduled out. I would meet the man of my dreams in college, marry and work a few years on my career. I would get pregnant on my schedule and have three kids. None of which happened.
I met the man of my dreams several years after college. We talked about having children, the first of which would be born three years after we got married. Or so we planned. We began trying to get pregnant a couple of years after we got married, thinking it would take a couple of months or maybe three. I had it all planned around my work schedule. Convenient, right?
After several months and many negative pregnancy tests later, I began to get concerned. A year passed, and the concern turned to worry. Would I be able to get pregnant at all? We went to see my doctor and she did a laparoscopy early on. She found some endometriosis and prescribed Clomid, with no success. Then she sent me to a fertility specialist. He gave us no answers, and by this time I was worried and frustrated.
All this time we had been praying that God would allow us to have a baby, and I couldn’t understand why, with all my planning, it just wasn’t working out the way I wanted it to. I would pray and say I was giving this burden to the Lord, but then I would almost immediately take it back. It became a daily struggle, and I became very depressed and discouraged. The comments of “When are you ever going to have a baby?” from those unaware of our situation would bring me to tears. I felt as though I were at the end of my rope.
In March of 2001, we were having revival services at our church. During that week, the fertility doctor’s nurse called and asked if I wanted to start back on the Clomid for another three months. I told her I was thinking about it and would let them know. That night, I can’t even remember what the evangelist preached on, but God spoke to me and showed me that I had to give this over to Him. I realized that conception is not something you plan; it is truly a miracle of God. Only He has the power to create and sustain life. I went to the altar with my husband and my mom, and I felt that I finally surrendered to God’s will in my life concerning having a baby.
In just a couple of weeks, I had a positive pregnancy test. It was a direct answer to prayer, and we praised the Lord that our miracle was on the way. He was born the day after Christmas 2001, a true gift from God. Our second son was born in November 2003. Everything went smoothly with both births. But when we decided to have a third, things didn’t go so well. Six days before Christmas 2005, when I was ten weeks pregnant with our third child, I miscarried. I was heartbroken. This happened to other ladies, but I could not imagine losing my own baby. I never questioned why, but I cried for weeks, even months after I lost our baby. I wanted another child so badly, and losing one was very painful. In September 2006 I became pregnant again. My doctor was watching me closely, and she said this pregnancy was not going well either. Day after day we prayed and I went for blood work, but then my doctor told me I was going to miscarry again. After a very complicated set of circumstances, I was diagnosed with a tubal pregnancy. But the Lord intervened, and I did not have to be treated for it or have it removed.
Fear again took hold of my heart. God had worked miraculously in my body and allowed me to live through some very life-threatening circumstances, yet I wondered if I could have any more children. My faith in God had been strengthened through the trials I had faced. God had answered so many prayers and had divinely intervened on my behalf. I was just afraid that maybe it was not His will for us to have any more children. Again, I had to give my desires over to His desires for my life. I had two beautiful boys and realized I needed to enjoy this precious time with them instead of living in remorse over what I had lost.
In early summer of 2007, I discovered I was again pregnant. With some apprehension, I went for an ultrasound at seven weeks, and there was a heartbeat, the most wonderful sound I had ever heard! In February 2008, we had our third son. The birth of this child was such a comfort to my heart after the loss of two precious babies.
We recently had our fourth son in December 2009. God has truly blessed our family, and even with the emotions that fill my mind over our two children who are in heaven, I wouldn’t trade the trials we experienced for anything. Many times I have read Psalm 34 and have found comfort in all of the promises of God there. I can see God’s faithfulness to us, and I have so much to be thankful for. God truly is good, and “great is thy faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:23).