We thought our final attempt at IUI with ovulation induction in early 2003 was our last chance for me to get pregnant. And we yielded our desires if the Lord was now leading us to adopt. In the spring of 2003, I started looking at some adoption websites and made some phone calls to a Christian adoption agency, an adoption attorney, and Indian Child Welfare to find out more information and to ask a few questions. I’m not sure why, but I almost cried when I told one lady we were just starting to search this out.
Both of our fathers had shared their thoughts on adoption. We had the blessing of our parents. We were starting to get comfortable with the idea of adoption. As Christians, we are adopted in Christ!
Three couples we knew had gone through an adoption attorney for their adoptions, and we decided to go forward with her; she said she had done about 1800 adoptions, and ours might possibly take 4-5 months as her waiting list was not long and she got a lot of calls from hospitals, etc. It sounded a little scary to think we could have a baby that quickly, when being pregnant meant twice as long of a wait! I thought it would be neat to see where our baby would come from.
We also contacted ICW and were told it could take 3-6 months to get set up, but in just over a month they were ready to set up an appointment for our home study! It only took about 5 or 6 months after that contact with ICW that we started getting phone calls about private placements. At one point, we had gotten calls 4 months in a row. Each time I would wonder, could this be the one? We would pray about each opportunity and didn’t feel peace. We knew in our hearts with each one that we were not to pursue it, even though some I really thought could be the baby God had for us. I thought the day we would have a baby was at least getting closer.
In addition to pursuing adoption, I also didn’t give up hope of getting pregnant and tried to go to a different doctor who helped me with progesterone and other alternatives. One day she asked me about adoption and then how I would feel if I never had children. I asked, “If I never conceived, never adopted, or both?” She said, “Both.” I remember saying matter-of-factly or confidently (in my God’s promise), “Oh, well, I know I will have children somehow because the Lord gave me Psalm 113:9, “He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children.” I teared up a little and she hugged me, inspired to help me even more. I really hoped she would be able to help.
Meanwhile in early 2004, we got another call about a possible adoption. The adoption attorney called to say a birth mother was expecting twins. I was starting to get excited, hoping that might be the one (two!). After not hearing from her for a couple weeks, I tried calling a couple of times. Finally, she returned my call and asked what she could do for me. As if she didn’t know, I was calling about the twins! She didn’t offer an explanation but said that it didn’t pan out and she would keep looking for us. When I got off the phone, I tried telling my tears, “God is always greater.”
I didn’t ask for the hurt, but I wrote in my journal I wanted to remember how this feels. It made me think of others who were waiting, not just women experiencing infertility, but others who were tired of waiting for deliverance, in particular, a friend of mine who had cancer.