I’m a planner…I like to be in control and I want to know just when and how things are going to happen. This helped me immensely with college and at work. So, when my husband and I decided it was time to start building our family, we had a plan. We took off work, set a date to start getting pregnant and even went to shop around for baby furniture. God must be so amused by our immaturity and presumptuousness at times.
After several months with no results – we started getting a little concerned. I made an appointment and began the roller-coaster ride of infertility. We began the charts of temperatures and timing (at least I could control those). Each month of getting that negative result only led to a sense of desperation and determination. I think about a year into this, I realized, “Hey, I’m not really in control of this situation here.”
I know we all say when we meet Mr. Right that we are going to have our white picket fence, 2.5 kids and live happily ever after. I realized that God might actually have other plans for my family make-up. Maybe I would have a chain-linked fence, no children, and could I still live happily ever after? Over the course of time, I realized that yes; if it was God’s will for us, we could be happy as long as we were fully submitted to His will. Did it still hurt each time someone new at church announced about their growing family? Sure! But, we could try to trust the Lord – realizing He was the giver of life. We prayed that God would take away our desire for children or give us the grace to wait for His timing and plan (Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:4 & 5).
Our struggle seemed to take so long – when in reality and compared to others’ experience it was small – less than 2 years. It’s hard to describe the multiplicity of shock and emotions at getting the call letting us know that our pregnancy test was actually positive! And amazingly, a new level of shock and emotions at our first ultrasound when we were advised that there were actually 2 hearts beating inside me. What a miracle – TWINS!! Thank you, God, for your wisdom.
I do not know why we had to go through this experience; I only know that we learned so very much about ourselves and the Lord through it. Philippians 3:10 speaks of the blessing of fellowshipping with the suffering of Christ (That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings). I know that infertility was so painful at times that it felt like physical suffering, especially in my heart. I can look back now and see the closeness that was created with my Heavenly Father through this and the dependence on Him through our helplessness. I can remember times of tears when I cried as Hannah did in I Samuel 1 for a child. These are times of spiritual intimacy that come only through suffering. I can now thank the Lord for the highs and lows of this experience.
This may not be your experience, but I do feel that I can say with confidence that God special-orders events in each of our lives. He creates what is best for us and our situation. We must trust in the multiplicity of His plans, knowing that He has thoughts or plans for us which are more than we can imagine (For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11) and blessings that are more than can be numbered (Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered. Psalms 40:5).