OK, Lord, I Am Yours.

Besides mourning the loss of not experiencing pregnancy with our fertility treatments, my buckets of tears also represented anguish at the harsh reality that the Lord was not going to answer my prayers of having a baby the way I dreamed.  He didn’t give me my heart’s desire.

Some couples, even before they know whether or not they can have children of their own, have a heart to adopt.  Others have adopted children after their quiver seemed to be quite full of the children they gave birth to naturally.  I have even heard of some who preferred to adopt rather than have their own.  My desire was to have a baby of my own.  I am not saying that in a way to offend anyone, for I know if you adopt, that baby is your own.  But I wanted to experience it all.

The desire in my heart was not just to be a mommy but also to bear a child.  I know my husband wanted his turn to stand up in men’s prayer meeting and ask prayer for the expectant mothers, though I don’t think he ever expressed that desire out loud.  I wanted to see my name on the expectant mothers’ list in the church nurseries.  I wanted to see my belly grow as my baby miraculously grew inside of me.  I wanted to wear cute maternity clothes!  I wanted to experience the birth of my child.  I wanted to have a boy who looked like his daddy.  I wanted to give my husband a son with his bloodline; my husband and his brother were the last with their family name.  I wanted what seemingly every woman who gets married expects to happen without any delays (unless planned on her part), hurdles, or complications.  I wanted to be pregnant.

But I had to come to terms with the fact that the Lord maybe had different plans for me.  Perhaps He really was going to answer His promise in Psalm 113:9 by giving me a baby through adoption.  I had to learn to give up my desires – what I wanted – and say, OK, Lord, I am yours.  I want YOUR will.

Elisabeth Elliot, in her book Secure in the Everlasting Arms , said, “To love God is to love His will.  That which He gives we receive.  That which He takes we relinquish.  With what astonishment – of gladness or sadness – we receive some things!  With what reluctance or delight we relinquish others.  He unfailingly allots grace in the measure needed.  It is for us to choose to receive or refuse it.  Our joy or our misery will depend on that choice.”

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Angela
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 15:22:57

    I didn’t finish reading your entire blog b/c after reading the first paragraph, I was taken aback to the same realization.

    I had seven miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy and had been told by doctors that I would never carry a baby to term. Thus my feelings, the one’s you named above, emerged.

    It took me sometime to get to the point that God wasn’t going to answer my prayer and I started believing that His will wasn’t for me to be a mother. Long story short…I now have SEVEN biological children. I had no medicine or anything. All of a sudden, He, my Father in heaven, decided to give me my hearts desire. I don’t know why. But I do know, more due to reflecting that He broke me down in the worse sort of way doing this time. I had in imaginable heart break. I was very sorrowful in heart. I had NO ONE who understood, and I felt so much like a piece of a woman for not being able to…at first conceive, then not being able to hold them. God truly broke me, and I saw where there was no way I could make it—unless I leaned all the way totally on Him.

    I decided to not focus on wanting the babies much anymore and I replaced those longings with helping mothers who had children and felt overwhelmed. Low and behold, I found out I was pregnant again. This time I didn’t even rest because I just knew I would loose it; he’s now 16. I homeschool all of my children, all way have.

    I will pray for you dear sister because I know how sorrowful your heart is.

    On another note, I see you, too, like Elisabeth Elliot. Today, I’ve reposted a post that I did with her daughter Valerie. It’s actually an interview. Why don’t you stop by, you may enjoy it.

    Blessings.

    I’ll check in on you again.

    What is your email address? Send me a note with your prayer request. devotionsandmore@yahoo.com

    Reply

    • joyinmyjourney
      Mar 29, 2010 @ 18:43:14

      Angela,

      Thank you for sharing your amazing testimony! Praise God! If you want to read a short version of the rest of the story, see my ‘about me’ section. God has given me a son. What a joy!

      I looked at your blog/website and plan to visit again when I can read more, especially about Elisabeth Elliot and your interview with her daughter. She is my favorite author and I have several of her books. My favorite is probably “Keep A Quiet Heart” and then, “Let Me Be A Woman.” They’re all good!

      God bless you.
      Joy

      Reply

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