Besides mourning the loss of not experiencing pregnancy with our fertility treatments, my buckets of tears also represented anguish at the harsh reality that the Lord was not going to answer my prayers of having a baby the way I dreamed. He didn’t give me my heart’s desire.
Some couples, even before they know whether or not they can have children of their own, have a heart to adopt. Others have adopted children after their quiver seemed to be quite full of the children they gave birth to naturally. I have even heard of some who preferred to adopt rather than have their own. My desire was to have a baby of my own. I am not saying that in a way to offend anyone, for I know if you adopt, that baby is your own. But I wanted to experience it all.
The desire in my heart was not just to be a mommy but also to bear a child. I know my husband wanted his turn to stand up in men’s prayer meeting and ask prayer for the expectant mothers, though I don’t think he ever expressed that desire out loud. I wanted to see my name on the expectant mothers’ list in the church nurseries. I wanted to see my belly grow as my baby miraculously grew inside of me. I wanted to wear cute maternity clothes! I wanted to experience the birth of my child. I wanted to have a boy who looked like his daddy. I wanted to give my husband a son with his bloodline; my husband and his brother were the last with their family name. I wanted what seemingly every woman who gets married expects to happen without any delays (unless planned on her part), hurdles, or complications. I wanted to be pregnant.
But I had to come to terms with the fact that the Lord maybe had different plans for me. Perhaps He really was going to answer His promise in Psalm 113:9 by giving me a baby through adoption. I had to learn to give up my desires – what I wanted – and say, OK, Lord, I am yours. I want YOUR will.
Elisabeth Elliot, in her book Secure in the Everlasting Arms , said, “To love God is to love His will. That which He gives we receive. That which He takes we relinquish. With what astonishment – of gladness or sadness – we receive some things! With what reluctance or delight we relinquish others. He unfailingly allots grace in the measure needed. It is for us to choose to receive or refuse it. Our joy or our misery will depend on that choice.”