In February 2003, we had our 3rd and final attempt at IUI with ovulation induction. At the time, I thought this would be my last chance of getting pregnant. Things were looking good. My favorite nurse in the doctor’s office encouraged me. She said God always gives us the desires of our hearts and that she would pray hard. I asked some close friends and even several others to pray extra hard. I wanted to be surrounded by prayer warriors! I wrote in my journal, “The Lord appears to be giving us a green light – lots of them!” I believed He would open my womb that month. My husband said we would act as if I’m pregnant now until we find out otherwise.
My pregnancy test was two, long weeks away. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if I got to take a pregnancy test and see two lines. A few times I felt Satan trying to discourage me, but I would push it out of my mind and beg God to let me be pregnant. Four days before the test I had a dream that I took my pregnancy test and it was positive. I remembered seeing a big + sign! I started to dream of what I would give my husband once we got the good news – or maybe I would just show him the test. Finally, he said he would be with me when I took the test, but not before work and not until after our church banquet that night.
February 21, 2003 didn’t turn out how I envisioned. That morning I started spotting; I was hoping not to see signs of a period. I got teary at work – it was hard to keep off my mind – and finally lost it. Since I had so much work to do and couldn’t leave, I just worked with my door shut. That night I got ready for the banquet. I must have asked one of my close friends how I looked because she said my eyes were bloodshot! After we got home, I knew what the answer would be but went ahead and took the pregnancy test and threw it on the couch where my husband was. (Note: I typically do not throw things when upset!) Then I sobbed. My husband said he doesn’t cry the same way I do but he does cry, too.
I cried more the next morning. My sister had withheld from calling the day before, so I called her. I told my mom and wasn’t sure how she felt. A lady I had gotten to know, who had a successful IUI result with twins, called me anticipating the days until I took my test. She felt badly for calling when she found out I wasn’t pregnant, but her call was still a blessing to me. My mother-in-law called and she was already down that day, so that made it worse. I was weeping when I thought of having to tell everyone I asked to pray for me.
A few days later, we had a ladies meeting for our Sunday School class. I had taken the day off from work and was tired and weary. It was cold and snowy, too. But my pastor’s wife was giving the devotion, and this would be the last time I would get to hear her speak before their retirement – not from ministry but from our church. I wouldn’t have missed it. My husband drove me, but once I arrived, I felt the urge to cry again. As soon as I walked in, I saw three ladies standing there, great with child. But the Lord was with me that night and in the weeks following. He comforted me with verses of Scripture. I continued to hope that I would still get pregnant, though we were now going to look into adoption. Friends and family also encouraged me with their words and prayers.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 tells us, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” I needed time to mourn the loss of not experiencing pregnancy. One of my close friends said I was grieving my loss and that was natural.
You may have experienced times of mourning during your struggle with infertility. Matthew Henry said, “Every change concerning us, with the time and season of it, is unalterably fixed and determined by a supreme power; and we must take things as they come, for it is not in our power to change what is appointed for us. There is a time when God’s providence calls us to weep and mourn, and when man’s wisdom and grace comply with the call. Observe the time of mourning and weeping is put first, before that of laughter and dancing.” There are better days ahead.