“I Choose” by Rodney Griffin

The message of this song goes straight to the heart of anyone who is hurting, no matter the trial.  I only recently heard it as my husband had been listening to it on YouTube and ordered the music to sing in church.  May the words of the talented songwriter, Rodney Griffin, encourage you today and may God smile down on you as you choose!

“I Choose”

by Rodney Griffin

Master, may I be so honest?  Could I admit the way I feel?
I’m hurting.  It seems that You’ve forsaken.
I wonder, is Your love for me still real?
Though my friends think I am happy, unaffected by this trial,
they can’t see the pain I’m hiding just underneath my smile.
Master, I can’t live this way anymore.  So, today, I make my choice.

I choose to believe that You are faithful, and my heart is in Your hands,
and this mystery that I face today is part of a greater plan.
I choose not to be discouraged when the sun will not break through.
I have the choice of trusting You.  So, Lord, this is what I choose.

I know the road will not be easy.  I know I’ll have my weaker days.
And Satan will tell me I don’t mean it when I say I’ll trust God all the way.
But that really doesn’t matter.  I refuse to hear him out.
With my faith, I’ll find the power that will overcome all doubt.
Lord, I’ve never felt so strong as when I’m resting in Your arms.

I choose to believe that You are faithful, and my heart is in Your hands,
and this mystery that I face today is part of a greater plan.
I choose not to be discouraged when the sun will not break through.
I have the choice of trusting You.  So, Lord, this is what I choose.

I choose to believe that You are faithful, and my heart is in Your hands,
and this mystery that I face today is part of a greater plan.
I choose not to be discouraged when the sun will not break through.
I have the choice of trusting You.  So, Lord, this is what I choose.
This is what I choose.  Gonna trust You, Lord.  I choose!

Here is a link to the song on YouTube:

“I Choose” sung by Ivan Parker

I Prayed For You Today

One July morning, the Lord gave me a verse, a hope to cling to, a quiet confidence.  That day was July 23, 2000.  The 23^rd day of every month will always be one of my favorite days.  You can call me sentimental.  I am.  Before God gave us our son, every day that I realized was the 23^rd day of the month brought me hope and faith.  Now it brings me joy, and I praise Him.

I wrote about this in one of my earlier posts:  Psalm 113:9 God’s Promise.  If you read 5 Psalms a day each month, you will come to Psalms 111-115 on the 23^rd day.   That particular day on July 23^rd in 2000, I read Psalm 113:9 – “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children.  Praise ye the Lord.”

Most months, the 23^rd day passed without incident, but sometimes – a couple of times a year – that day proved to be very difficult regarding our infertility.  I would look to God for hope or encouragement or reassurance and realize it was the 23^rd.  If I had missed reading Psalms that day, I would soon realize what verses I would be covering.  It would make me smile – or smile and cry at the same time.  I knew God was still in control, and my heart would be comforted.

I want you to know you can count on me to be praying for you on the 23^rd day of every month until you have a baby.  I pray for the barren women I know by name and their particular situation or specific prayer request.  Even if I don’t know you by name, I pray for everyone who has subscribed to my blog or who might read this post and beg God to do the same for you and turn your hope and faith into joy and praise.

“God Makes No Mistakes” by Kim Moore

Someone in our church used to sing this beautiful song;  It would bring tears to my eyes but always encouraged me to keep trusting in the Lord.

God Makes No Mistakes

Words and Music by Kim Moore

Arranged by Mac Lynch

Verse 1

My life I give to you, O Lord;

Use me, I pray.

May I glorify your precious name

In all I do and say.

Let me trust you in the valley dark,

As well as in the light,

Knowing you will always lead me;

Your will is always right.

Verse 2

And when someday in heaven above

I see his dear face,

May I then be counted faithful

As a runner in this race.

But now I’m trusting in the Savior

To show me the way.

In his righteousness he guides me,

As I seek to please him day by day.

Chorus

I know God makes no mistakes,

He leads in every path I take

Along the way that’s leading me to home.

Though at times my heart would break,

There’s a purpose in every change he makes.

That others would see my life and know

That God makes no mistakes.

I know.

God Makes No Mistakes as sung by Mac & Debi Lynch

Infertility Will Never Leave Me

It had been three years since I set foot in an OB-GYN’s office.  I probably felt the first unexpected twinge as I saw the office name on the door, then another as I walked into the waiting room.  “They’re probably all here for OB not GYN,” I thought, as I looked around at all the women.  I quietly retreated to a corner seat to fill out my paperwork.  As I stood up to give my papers back to the receptionist, I glanced at a very pregnant woman sitting with her husband.  I heard another woman greet her friend as they both excitedly compared due dates.  Then all of a sudden, I felt my eyes water.  “Whoa!  Where in the world did this come from?”  I felt blindsided by my old emotions.

I was relieved when the nurse called me back.  She asked the usual questions, one being, “Have you been on birth control?”  I thought, “Birth control?  I haven’t taken the pill in 14 years.”  Aloud, I said, “No,” then added, “We’ve struggled with infertility for many years.”

My new doctor came in and talked about my GYN issues.  I thought he must be wondering why my eyes are red!  I wanted to explain, “I don’t know why I’m so emotional right now.  I guess you just never get over your infertility.”

I am mommy to a wonderful fiver-year old and content that he may be my only child.  My last few well-woman visits were with my D.O., and I never once thought about the emotions I didn’t have to experience going to an OB-GYN’s office.

In Proverbs 30:15-16, Solomon identifies “Three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things that say not, It is enough.”  The barren womb is never satisfied.  Matthew Henry’s insight teaches the barren womb is impatient of its affliction in being barren and cries, as Rachel did, “Give me children.”  The reference is to the desire of a childless wife for children.  It is the reason the ache and the yearning never cease.

Before I gave birth to my son, it is the reason I cried every month when I started my period, even if I tried to make myself believe it wasn’t a big deal.  If there was one glimmer of hope – a day late, a feeling of nausea – I would take that hope and then my period would start the next day.  Once I gave birth to my son, I never really cried again when I started my new period every month.  So I thought, I am satisfied.

Although I don’t have the same degree of struggles and I shed considerably less tears, I have realized infertility will never leave me.  It may or may not be as great a yearning, but even if you already have a child, you can still experience this with secondary infertility.  It can hit you at any time.  I remember going to two baby showers two weekends in a row.  I went home feeling happy for them but also sad for me.  You can give it to God, but it is a fact, the ache does not go away.  Just continue to give it to God daily.  He knows our desires.  Trust the experience will not cause you to become bitter.

“I Just Feel Like Something Good Is About To Happen” by William Gaither

If you need to listen to a good pick-me-up song, this is it!  My CD has Guy Penrod singing this as a solo, and I remember listening to it practically all the way home after one of my four-hour trips to the fertility center.  It lifted my spirits!

I Just Feel Like Something Good Is About To Happen

Words and Music by William Gaither

I just feel like something good is about to happen.
I just feel like something good is on it’s way.
He has promised that He’d open all of heaven,
And brother it could happen any day.
When God’s people humble themselves to call on Jesus,
And they look to heaven expecting as they pray.
I just feel like something good is about to happen
And brother, this could be that very day.

I have learned in all that happens just to praise Him
For I know He’s working all things for my good.
Every tear I shed is worth all the investment
For I know He’ll see me through, He said He would.
He has promised eye nor ear can hardly fathom
All the things He has in store for those who pray.
I just feel like something good is about to happen
And brother, this could be the very day.

Yes I’ve noticed all the bad news in the paper,
And it seems like things are bleaker every day.
But for this child of God it makes no difference,
For things are bound to get better either way.
I’ve never been more thrilled about tomorrow.
Sunshine’s always bursting through the skies of gray.
I just feel like something good is about to happen
And brother this could be that very day.

Click on the link below to listen to the song as performed by the Bill Gaither Trio.

I Just Feel Like Something Good Is About To Happen

Do You Want A Different Cross?

I can remember my husband asking me if I wanted to tell God, “No, I don’t want to go through this.”  I knew it was His will for us to go through this for some reason, but it was a long and difficult journey.  In a way, I was saying I wanted a different cross to bear – or perhaps no cross at all.

In the August 29^th entry of Streams in the Desert, a poem called “The Changed Cross” is referenced, representing a weary woman who thought that her cross was surely heavier than those of others whom she saw about her, and she wished that she might choose another instead of her own.  She tried on other crosses but found them to be too heavy or too piercing, until she came to a final one that she took up and proved the best of all, the easiest to be borne.  Bathed in the radiance that fell from heaven, she recognized it as her own old cross.

At the time I read this devotion in Streams, we had been on our infertility journey five years and had been teaching an adult Bible class for newly married couples the previous two years.  Although it was difficult at times, this devotion helped me realize that my cross had been easier to bear than others.  Just eight months before, one couple in our class, who already had a healthy baby girl, was expecting another baby.  The pregnancy was seemingly uneventful, only to find out the day their baby boy was born that he had heart complications that could not have been corrected.  He lived just a few short hours.  The next month, another woman in our class had her firstborn baby a couple of months premature.  The doctors were 90% sure this couple’s baby girl had Down Syndrome.  She lived only four weeks and they never got to bring her home from the hospital.  Still other couples that we taught experienced miscarriages and other difficult pregnancies or deliveries.

I don’t think I could bear being pregnant for nine months and watching my baby die the day he was born.  I don’t think I could bear not getting to bring my baby home from the hospital.  What really brought this illustration full circle, however, was when one of these women came to visit me and told me she couldn’t have handled what I had been going through.  For her it was easier to be pregnant nine months and hold her baby a few hours before he went to heaven than to experience what I had gone through with infertility.  That was incomprehensible to me.  Another woman I talked to who had experienced three miscarriages before giving birth to her first child told me the same – she couldn’t handle the nine years of infertility we went through, where even one, let alone three miscarriages would have seemed too difficult for me to endure.

“God knows best what cross we need to bear.  We do not know how heavy other people’s crosses are.  If we could try all the other crosses that we think lighter than our own, we would at last find that not one of them suited us so well as our own.”  From Glimpses through Life’s Windows

“The Changed Cross”

From The Changed Cross and Other Religious Poems

by Honourable Mrs. Charles Hobart, May 1873

‘Twas a time of sadness, and my heart,
Although it knew and loved the better part,
Felt wearied with the conflict and the strife.
And all the needful discipline of life.

And while I thought on these, as given to me –
My trial tests of faith and love to be –
It seemed as if I never could be sure
That faithful to the end I should endure.

And thus, no longer trusting to His might
Who says, “We walk by faith, and not by sight,”
Doubting, and almost yielding to despair.
The thought arose – My cross I cannot bear:

Far heavier its weight must surely be
Than those of others which I daily see.
Oh! If I might another burden choose,
Methinks I should not fear my crown to lose.

A solemn silence reigned on all around –
E’en Nature’s voices uttered not a sound;
The evening shadows seemed of peace to tell,
And sleep upon my weary spirit fell.

A moment’s pause – and then a heavenly light
Beamed full upon my wondering, raptured sight;
Angels on silvery wings seemed everywhere,
And angels’ music thrilled the balmy air.

Then One, more fair than all the rest to see –
One to whom all the others bowed the knee –
Came gently to me as I trembling lay,
And, “Follow me!” He said; “I am the Way.”

Then, speaking thus, He led me far above.
And there, beneath a canopy of love,
Crosses of divers shape and size were seen,
Larger and smaller than my own had been.

And one there was, most beauteous to behold,
A little one, with jewels sat in gold.
Ah! This methought, I can with comfort wear,
For it will be an easy one to bear:

And so the little cross I quickly took;
But, all at once, my frame beneath it shook.
The sparkling jewels, fair were they to see,
But far too heavy was their weight for me.

“This may not be,” I cried, and looked again,
To see if there was any here could ease my pain;
But, one by one, I passed them slowly by,
Till on a lovely one I cast my eye.

Fair flowers around its sculptured form entwined.
And grace and beauty seemed in it combined.
Wondering, I gazed; and still I wondered more
To think so many should have passed it o’er.

But oh! That form so beautiful to see
Soon made its hidden sorrows known to me;
Thorns lay beneath those flowers and colours fair!
Sorrowing, I said: “This cross I may not bear.”

And so it was with each and all around –
Not one to suit my need could there be found;
Weeping, I laid each heavy burden down,
As my Guide gently said: “No cross, no crown!”

At length, to Him I raised my saddened heart:
He knew its sorrows, bid its doubts depart.
“Be not afraid,” He said, “but trust in me –
My perfect love shall now be shown to thee.”

And then, with lightened eyes and willing feet,
Again I turned, my earthly cross to meet,
With forward footsteps, turning not aside.
For fear some hidden evil might betide:

And there – in the prepared, appointed way,
Listening to hear, and ready to obey –
A cross I quickly found of plainest form,
With only words of love inscribed thereon.

With thankfulness I raised it from the rest,
And joyfully acknowledged it the best –
The only one of all the many there.
That I could feel was good for me to bear.

And, while I thus my chosen one confessed,
I saw a heavenly brightness on it rest;
And, as I bent, my burden to sustain,
I recognized my own old cross again.

But oh! How different did it seem to be
Now I had learned its preciousness to see!
No longer could I unbelieving say.
Perhaps another is a better way.

Ah no! Henceforth my own desire shall be,
That He who knows me best should choose for me;
And so, whate’er His love seems good to send,
I’ll trust it’s best, because He knows the end.

“In His Time” by Gina

When my husband William and I got married in November of 1997, we were both ready to begin our family immediately.  Little did we know, God had other plans for us.  After four years of trying to conceive and to no avail, we decided to seek medical help.  For years I had doctors tell me that there was nothing wrong, that we just needed to relax and quit worrying about things and that if we were not so uptight, it would happen.

I started researching infertility and began charting my cycles each month and after about a year of doing this with no results, I was convinced that there was something wrong.  I had to change doctors three times because it seemed that no one would take me seriously and listen to what I knew was going on.  Through the testing that followed the next several years, it was finally concluded that I had severe endometriosis.  As most who suffer from endometriosis know, this disease can be extremely frustrating.  There are so many unknowns and it usually leaves you with many unanswered questions.  Some common ones I struggled with were: “Why do I have it?”  “What did I do to cause this?”  And the most frustrating of all for me was, “If every test comes out that nothing is physically wrong with my reproductive organs, why am I not pregnant yet?”

These questions plagued me for years, and like many other women who have struggled with infertility, I watched time and time again as my friends and family conceived, carried their babies to term and delivered beautiful, healthy babies.  My emotions were so unstable during this time.  My friends and family were afraid to share their joyous news with me, which hurt me because I truly was so happy for them, but every positive they received made me feel so sad about my situation.  It seemed like a never-ending roller coaster ride that I didn’t want to be on.

I think the most hurtful thing during that time was that I felt that God was not answering my prayers but pouring out blessings on everyone around me.  I compared my state to that of Hannah in 1 Samuel 1:10 as she dealt with her own barrenness,  “ And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.” I truly was in this state as well.  I prayed, I wept, and bitterness was beginning to set in on me.   I felt so self-centered and selfish, always thinking about me and my condition.  Looking back, those were some very sad and lonely times for me.

Over the next few years, William and I considered in vitro fertilization (IVF).  We even got as far as meeting with a physician and were actually filling out the paperwork when both of us immediately knew that this was not the path that we were to be taking, at least not at that very moment.  We continued praying and searching for alternative ways to build our family.  An attorney introduced us to the idea of adoption.  We first looked into overseas adoption, but could not find peace in that decision and decided that was not the path we were to take either.  We finally settled on becoming a resource family through the Department of Human Services.  This decision was absolutely life changing for us and I mean that in the best way!  I still can’t believe how everything fell into place as we began to start our family and I would like to share a few pieces of that story with you, so you can see just how great the Lord worked in our lives.

We were approved in August of 2003 to become adoptive parents.  I was praying that we would be placed with an infant.   I wanted so badly to experience that part of motherhood.  Our social worker told us it would take some time to be placed with a child, especially an infant, sometimes it could take several years.  I was very surprised when our phone rang in December of that same year with a possibility of a 3 ½ year-old boy.  I have to admit, at first, I was not on board with the age of the child; I was hoping for a newborn or at least a baby that was under a year old.  I went and met with the social worker and as soon as she showed me the pictures of Tevin, my heart melted….I saw a beautiful little boy who needed a home.  My eyes were not clouded with age; age didn’t matter.   He was such a cute little guy and so in December of 2003, Tevin came home with us!   Talk about a wonderful Christmas gift.  After only six months in our home, we finalized the adoption of our first child.  We were finally parents and I was a mommy!   God had answered our prayers!  God was so good to work out so many problems that could have occurred during that process and then, He continued to pour out blessings on us over the next few years!

In November of 2005, I was called to give temporary care to a newborn baby boy for another foster parent who was dealing with health issues in her family.  That temporary care turned permanent the first week of December and it looked like this little baby might possibly be up for adoption as well.  On December 19th, I received a call that they had found a family for the baby to live with.  I was very heartbroken.  Although the goal is always for reuniting with the parents or biological family, in the back of my mind, I always thought what if…I was not prepared for the phone call that I received three days later.  I received the call on Taleah on December 22nd.  Her birth mother was in the hospital delivering her as we spoke, and they wanted to see if I was up for keeping another newborn.  I hesitated after they told me that she had three other siblings in custody and that the only reason she couldn’t go there was because that foster home was full; however, if a spot opened, they would move her to be with the siblings.  I almost said no, but something (God, I believe) prompted me to say yes and so we took her.  The next day, I went and picked her up.  She was amazing and I fell in love with her quickly!

Two days later, on Christmas Day, I knew that her leaving my home would be too hard for me to take, especially if her stay was extended, so I wanted to meet with the other foster family and tell them my heart or tell them to take her quickly because the DHS workers really felt that this baby would go up for adoption.  We went out to my mother-in-law’s for Christmas dinner and she had a HUGE surprise for us!  The other family that had the other three other siblings was her current preacher and his wife, who was also my husband’s and my former preacher!  They too were resource parents in another county.  They had already adopted two of her siblings and had the third in foster care at the time but knew they could not keep taking this couples’ children.  Space was limited and they already had ten children in their home with plans of adopting them all.  They had been so burdened by not knowing where Taleah was that they had decided to call DHS after Christmas and tell them that they would do whatever they needed to make a space for her.  They were telling this story to my mother-in-law and when they compared details, they realized that we were the other foster family.  When they found out that she had been placed with William and me, we all knew that God had worked this out perfectly and that it was a miracle.  MANY tears of joy were shed that day!

Several huge things happened that don’t normally happen in a case like Taleah’s that I want to point out, so that God can get all the glory.  First of all, her siblings resided in another county and the fact that her mother delivered in our county opened the door to us even being able to foster her temporarily.  Secondly, had the little boy that we had in our home not been removed three days before Taleah was born, we would not have been the ones to receive that telephone call.  God’s hand TRULY was present in yet another wonderful Christmas present for us.  Telling that story still gives me chills, it is so AMAZING and hard to believe that it happened at all, let alone the way that it did.  Everything just fell into place perfectly.

After being blessed with our first two children through adoption, we decided that the timing might be right for us to try IVF.  We still struggled with the thought that perhaps we were taking things out of the Lord’s hands if we sought this route of treatment.  After talking with my pastor’s wife one day, I was explaining to her that I felt so selfish for still wanting to conceive and carry a child, especially after the Lord had been so good to us through adoption.

She said two things that really helped me get past any struggle I had with IVF.  The first was, it wasn’t selfish of me to want to be a mother in the sense of carrying and delivering a child.  God had created women to fulfill that very function and that He had placed that desire in my heart as a woman.  The other was the struggle that William and I dealt with on taking things out of God’s hands.  She said to me, “Gina, if God does not intend for you to bear a child, you will not bear a child.  You cannot take anything out of God’s hands!”  Her words of counsel put us at complete ease with pursuing IVF.  If the process worked, great!  If it didn’t, we had already been blessed with two beautiful children.

We were referred to a wonderful doctor and in the fall of 2007, our third child, Kaylee Rose, was born to us.  Our final addition to the family arrived in the spring of 2009.  We named her Kimberlee.  I’m not sure of the exact statistics on IVF, but I know that the percentage of success on a first try is somewhere around or below 50% and on frozen cycles, the success rate is much lower, probably around 35% or even lower.  We tried two cycles and both were successful!  I am still in awe at God’s allowing us to experience the joy of parenthood by adoption and by conception.  One boy and three girls later, our family is complete, unless of course the Lord decides to allow us any more children!

Looking back over the last thirteen years, I can now see how important it was for us to wait on starting our family.  God was trying to teach me patience so that I could experience the full blessings that He had in store for me.  In Romans 5:3, the Bible says ”And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience.”  This verse proved so true in our situation.  Had we been able to immediately conceive and not go through the tribulation of infertility, our family would not be complete because we never would have considered the adoption process and we would not have Tevin and Taleah today.  God had other plans for our family.  He had bigger and better plans for our family.  While I couldn’t see His plan clearly years ago, I can now see clear as day just what He had in mind.  I learned a very important lesson through all this and it is that the best blessings come “In His Time.”  Some things are worth waiting for!

Gina

Myth: If you want to get pregnant, just relax, stop trying, and drink the water.

If you have endured the difficulties of infertility, you have no doubt received unsolicited advice such as this.  If you are like me and now have been given a baby, you can look back on the flippant comments, maybe even chuckle under your breath, and just shake your head, saying, “Yes, I’ve heard that one before.”  However, if you are currently experiencing infertility, I know how painful these crass and absurd words can sound, even if they are delivered, at best, by someone trying to make you feel better, or at worst, coming from someone who speaks before thinking.

According to resolve.org, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one.  Stress and infertility may have a connection when one has been trying and not conceiving for awhile, but there has never been a study which shows that simply relaxing increases pregnancy rates.  I like the advice one blogger wrote, instead of telling someone to relax, why not give her something that will help her relax, like a gift certificate for a massage or a pedicure, or treating her to lunch!

The flippancy of these comments implies that a couple’s infertility problems really have no medical basis, that it’s all in their heads, and they’re just too uptight.  This comment insults them because it undermines the problem and their emotional struggles.  Studies show that the average couple who has unprotected intercourse with no intentional timing will, over the course of the year, get pregnant.  After a year, it’s time to see a doctor.  Those who actually pay attention to the calendar (i.e., those trying to get pregnant) aren’t jinxing themselves into infertility.  (From Infertility: A Surivival Guide for Couples and Those Who Love Them by Cindy Lewis Dake)

The last advice about drinking the water is one I heard countless times at church and work when there was a surge of pregnant women.  If only it were that easy, right?

Note:

To my friends who may read this: If you wonder, “I hope I didn’t say any of those things; is she talking about me?” As a professor once said in my class, “If you are the one who always wonders if I’m referring to you, it’s not you.  It’s those who don’t worry that I’m referring to them that I’m talking about!”

If you want to share your more memorable or ludicrous words of advice you have received about getting pregnant – in other words, “what NOT to say” – feel free to comment.  Please do not share anything vulgar or offensive.  I’ve tried to write in a way that is not cynical or sarcastic, although it is sometimes difficult to read one’s tone in an email, on facebook, or on a blog.

“God Is Faithful” by Travis Boyd

“God Is Faithful”

By Travis Boyd

 

When you find to hard to understand,

and you’re just not sure you have the strength

to do all God commands.

When the task seems overwhelming,

you can rest within His hands,

For the One who called you is faithful.

 

God is faithful, He will not forget his own;

God is faithful, He’ll never leave you all alone.

He’s right beside you, waiting to guide you,

for the One who called you is faithful.

God is faithful when the valley is so low,

God is faithful, wherever He leads you to go.

Cast your cares on Him and rest

within His loving arms

For the One who called you is faithful,

God is faithful.

 

He is always there when human eyes can’t see,

So aware of all your hurts and all your deepest needs.

 

God is faithful, He will not forget his own;

God is faithful, He’ll never leave you all alone.

He’s right beside you, waiting to guide you,

for the One who called you is faithful.

God is faithful when the valley is so low,

God is faithful, wherever He leads you to go.

Cast your cares on Him and rest

within His loving arms

For the God whose work began in you

will be faithful to see it through.

Oh, the One who called you is faithful,

God is faithful.

 

I first heard this song performed by the Singing Churchmen of Oklahoma.  This men’s choir is tremendously talented and the message of the song really spoke to my heart.  It’s encouraging and it is true!  God is faithful.

And The Lord Remembered

When I finally became pregnant through IVF, we shared the glorious news with our immediate family members but cautiously waited until after my first ultrasound to tell a few close friends.  After all, I had gotten pregnant with the previous IVF cycle, but it did not continue.

Once I finished my first trimester, we determined the day had arrived for my husband to make the announcement at church.  The customary way to announce that one’s wife was pregnant was for the husband to request prayer at men’s prayer meeting for the expectant women of the church.  That Sunday was five years ago, but we remember it like it was yesterday.

Although I have shared some of my experiences with infertility and waiting and how it naturally affected me as a woman, I don’t exactly know how my husband handled it as a man.  I can’t imagine how many prayer meetings he sat through Sunday after Sunday, year after year, listening as men would stand and ask prayer for their expectant wives, perhaps wondering if one day he would ever get to make that prayer request.  Even though my husband was (and still is) my rock and had more faith (which in turn increased mine), I know it was difficult at times for him, too.  I can’t fully comprehend how big a day this was for him.

That morning, he told me he would quote I Samuel 1:19b, “And the Lord remembered her (Hannah).”  In verse 11, Hannah made a vow and asked the Lord to look on her affliction, remember her, not forget her, and to give her a son.  God was mindful of Hannah and her condition, and at His appointed time, he remembered her and opened her womb.

The word “remember(ed)” in Samuel 1:11 and 19 is “zakar”, which means to be mindful, to recount, to make to be remembered, think on.

God gave us a promise many years before this special day.  Even though we had to wait, we could look at His promise and confirm our faith.  We experienced many disappointments along the way.  Some obstacles even seemed difficult to overcome, but God showed His promise would prevail.  The longer we waited, the more doubtful it appeared to others – and even occasionally a doubt in my own heart – that we would actually have a baby, but the Lord continued to encourage us in His Word, in song, and through people.

And then one day, the Lord remembered!  We also remember.

Rainbows And Remembrance

One of the most awesome creations in God’s nature is the rainbow.  I’ve always looked at the rainbow and smiled as I pause to remember God’s promise.  Didn’t God say He would put a bow in the cloud so we would remember His promise?  I was recently reminded in Genesis 9:16 that we are not the only ones who look at the rainbow and remember.  “I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you.”  When the bow is in the cloud, God looks upon it and remembers also!  How comforting and humbling that God remembers His covenant, too.

My favorites thoughts to ponder from Matthew Henry’s Commentary on this verse of the rainbow and remembrance:

“When we see a rainbow, our eye affects our heart and confirms the faith.  God remembers!  We also remember.”

“The rainbow appears when the clouds are most disposed to wet, and returns after the rain; when we have most reason to fear the rain prevailing, God shows this seal of the promise that it shall not prevail.”

“The thicker the cloud the brighter the bow in the cloud.  As threatening afflictions abound, encouraging consolations much more abound.”

Rainbow by j-full-love

Our Road To IVF – Money Issues

Our road leading to IVF seemed long.  From the first time IVF was recommended as our best chance at pregnancy, it took about 3 ½ years for us to eventually proceed with IVF, mostly because of concerns about the cost.  However, with pastoral and godly counsel and much prayer, we felt God’s hand upon us, even guiding us to the center He wanted us to use.

“We will know when we need to know, not before.”
(Elisabeth Elliot in “God’s Timing”, Faith That Does Not Falter.  )

This quote describes our road to IVF.  After surgery and treatment for Stage IV endometriosis, my doctor’s recommendation was that we try to get pregnant for a year, but if not, she said our best chance for pregnancy was IVF.  We were not initially inclined to do IVF.  At first, it seemed drastic.  If it was still possible to get pregnant within that year, why jump to IVF, when it would cost $10,000 (in 2001) for a 50% chance of pregnancy?  This was something we reasoned together but did not try really communicate with our doctor to find out more.  The $10,000 would be worth it if I got pregnant, but to spend that much money and not get pregnant with one chance and then be out $10,000 seemed like a huge risk to us.  It would have been both financially and emotionally devastating.

I didn’t get pregnant on my own that year, and after seeking treatment from a different specialist, we were again advised that IVF was our best chance for pregnancy.  At the time, we wanted to try IUI since it did not seem as “invasive” and was also less expensive, although the success rate was not as high as IVF.  When IUI didn’t produce a pregnancy, we sought to add to our family through adoption and also started to read a little more about IVF.

In the spring of 2004, my sister called me about an episode that aired on Dr. Phil.  It was about a shared-risk program for IVF in Washington, D.C.  I looked it up on the internet also and found out shared-risk costs more than one traditional IVF cycle, but some programs refund 70-100% of your money, if you do not go home with a live baby after a certain number of attempts.  It sounded like something feasible for us, maybe a financial risk worth taking.  It is more like a type of insurance, since we did not have insurance coverage for infertility nor live in a state that mandated coverage.

Summertime rolled around and my husband decided to ask our pastor’s counsel about IVF.  It was like a burden lifted off of us when he talked to him.  We had a green light!  I remember asking him, “Why did you ask him about this now?  Why not a year ago?!”  The doctors always said we had “a window of opportunity”.  All I can say is…

“We will know when we need to know, not before.”

That summer the show on Dr. Phil aired again and my mother-in-law taped it for us.  After my husband’s talk with Pastor, we watched the program.  I looked it up on the internet and tried to figure out how we could make it work.  It would be costly just for traveling and lodging.  A few days later, I did a web search on shared-risk IVF and a company came up called Integramed (now known as Attain IVF.  They did a similar shared-risk program with a handful of approved reproductive centers in the U.S.  At the time there were no centers in our state, but the closest one to us “just happened” to be only four hours’ driving distance from where we lived and 5 miles from my sister’s house!  That location definitely sounded more practical and feasible.

I prayed for peace about this center.  We also scheduled an IVF consult with our doctor locally to compare options.  I prayed Psalm 102:2b “In the day when I call, answer me speedily.”  And He did!  Praise the Lord!  By the end of October, in one day – the same day – the Lord answered my prayer by closing the door on our local doctor and opening the door to the center out-of-state.

Isaiah 30:21. “And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.”

We knew this is where the Lord was leading us.  Within two weeks, we had our first appointment.  Then we were accepted into the shared-risk program, and by January 2005, we did our first IVF.  This definitely turned out to be the best option for us because we I did not get pregnant on the first attempt, although if I had, it still would have been worth it to us.  It was God’s timing, and…

“We will know when we need to know, not before.”

Note: I am presenting our story of shared-risk as one of many financial options to have a baby.  We had our baby in 2006, and so I am sure there are now even more programs and ways to save money, raise money, get the most out of your money – all that will hopefully lead you on the road to having your baby.
Article on Affording the Cost of Infertility Treatments

Our Road To IVF – Moral Issues

When we did not become pregnant on our own, I began to wonder how I, as a Christian, should feel about assisted reproductive technology.  I didn’t know much about procedures like AI or IVF, except having developed a few preconceived ideas from a couple of ladies who had experienced infertility and shared their thoughts.  Based on that, I wondered if it was even ethical or moral for me as a Christian to pursue.  How do I determine what is right or wrong?  Were we taking the situation out of God’s hands?  These are just a few of the moral issues I needed to discover the answer to.

After searching on the internet, I came across the website for the Christian Medical and Dental Association (cmda.org) and found they had published their statements concerning issues and ethics on Reproductive Technology & Health.  Even among Christians in the medical field, there was agreement on the biblical principles but not total agreement on the practical application of the principles.  Not every technological procedure may be morally justified.

Below I have shared a couple of statements that stood out to me when reading from the CMDA website:

“Paradoxically, the advent of assisted reproductive technology (ART) has in some instances increased the anguish of infertile couples.  Because these technologies are now available to those who can afford them, couples must make choices about whether to undergo such assistance, how many cycles to attempt, etc.  Such additional choices can cause them greater turmoil – socially, financially, and morally.  Just because certain technology is available does not automatically mean that it is morally justified or that it should be used.”

“Conclusion: CMDA affirms the need for continued moral scrutiny of our developing reproductive technology as it impacts the family.  We recognize that as physicians we must use our creative capacity within the limits of God’s design.  Couples who suffer from infertility should be encouraged to seek pastoral guidance and counsel, as well as to pray for God’s wisdom in the use of these technologies.”

This website has proven to be very helpful to me and brings to the forefront the sovereignty of God and the sanctity of life when seeking direction about assisted reproductive technology.  I trust it will be a great help to you also.

“Not My Will, But Thine” by Heather

Sitting down and writing about this STILL brings back so many emotions!  First, I have to say that God is absolutely great and wonderful!  He knows exactly what we need, when we need it, and how much we can take.  There were times I questioned that last fact, but He always got me through those moments, and constantly reminded me through His Word and through His people, that He is GOOD.

Very few couples get married, expecting to have problems conceiving.  We all tend to plan our lives out, and when things don’t go as planned, we’re surprised, hurt, sometimes even angered by it.  God never promises that every dream we have will come true.  He promises to make His dreams FOR us come true, and to be with us through those times when our own dreams are disappointed.

My husband and I were married in 1993 (I was 20).  I was finishing up my college music degree, and neither of us had any plans for children right away.  We were both happy to wait “at least 3 years.”  I took birth control at that time, not knowing that it needn’t have been much of a concern for us.  After graduating college and moving into our first home, I went off all birth control, figuring that after the 3-month “waiting period,” we’d get pregnant within 3 to 6 months.  It didn’t happen.  And it didn’t happen.

We weren’t horribly concerned, but a little befuddled.  I just kept thinking, “Well, the Lord knows what we’re in the middle of here, and a baby would definitely complicate our schedule a bit, so He’s just waiting.”  But after a full year, the worry began to set in.  I saw my gynecologist for regular checkups, and he was always very reassuring, saying things like: “We’ll just wait a few more months and see;” or “Sometimes our bodies are just not in sync when we want them to be;” etc.

Finally, after almost 3 years of actively trying (2 of which I was “charting” in great detail), my doctor finally said, “If you haven’t conceived by September (of 1998), we’ll do a workup and check everything out.”  Around that time, I decided that I was sick of paying so much attention to everything . . .of “timing things” every month, of avoiding vacuuming, etc. for fear of causing a miscarriage, of thinking so constantly about it all (not too healthy for a marriage, by the way).  I kept charting for informational purposes for my doctor, but I started going about my daily business with gusto, and decided if I was going to hear bad news, I wanted it to be after Christmas.  I called my doctor and moved my appointment from September ‘98 to January ‘99.  I got pregnant in October of ’98 at the age of 26.

I’m not here to say, “Just stop worrying and your body will relax and do its thing.”  There are many who have definite, diagnosed fertility problems, but my husband and I were not one of those.  We had a beautiful, rather intelligent baby boy in August of ‘99.  The pregnancy was perfect, the delivery was perfect.  His early babyhood was exceedingly challenging (in the sleep department), and I remember thanking God OVER and OVER that He didn’t give me a child the minute I began asking for one!  I would have never been prepared to handle the struggles we had, with the proper spirit, had I been younger and less patient.  You find out how absolutely selfish you are when a child enters your life, and had I gotten a baby earlier than I did, my appreciation for that little miracle would have been MUCH less, and my gratitude (even for the challenges) would have been nonexistent.  God knew this!

During my early prayers as I asked God for a baby, I ALWAYS ended my prayers with, “Not my will, but Thine.”  I had already seen too many people who demanded their own way and were sometimes given it, and it was NOT the best thing for anyone.  I also said that if He ever gave me a baby, I would be content with that one.

A couple years after our son’s birth, I began praying for a sibling for him.  I definitely wanted more children myself, but I especially wanted him to grow up with at least one sibling.  I was NOT discontent.  I STILL prayed (and meant), “Not my will, but Thine.”  I was willing to hear the answer, “No.”

The next 2 years were even more difficult than the 6 ½ before our son came along.  I had two miscarriages, one at 5 weeks and within the same year, a “missed miscarriage.”  I carried for 13 weeks, but the baby had stopped thriving at 7 weeks (after a bout with food poisoning), and my body didn’t register the miscarriage.  The trips to the doctor’s office, and then on to the hospital for further ultrasounds, knowing that the news was going to be bad, continuing to teach Sunday School, playing piano for church services, etc. with a smile on my face while my heart was breaking . . . those were difficult, difficult days!  It was hard on our marriage as well.  Our husbands CANNOT understand exactly what we’re going through.  They can be sympathetic, but their inability to “fix” things adds greatly to their frustration.

But the Lord did wonderful things during those times as well.  He constantly reminded me of His goodness, every time I looked at our son!  And my prayer: “I will be content with whatever answer You give,” ran through my mind daily.  I WAS content.  Sadness does not equal discontentment.  The Lord wants to see a heart that is submissive to His will, not someone who never cries.

In April of 2003, another positive pregnancy test!  So much for thinking that we were unable to conceive.  This was our 3rd positive test in the space of 2 years.  We had learned long before to only share this news with our very closest friends, and then only after the first trimester.  With the first miscarriage, I told several people immediately after the positive test, thinking that I didn’t want to spend another pregnancy worrying the whole time like I did with our son’s.  I miscarried the next day.  Calling all those people back was one of the hardest things I had to do.  Keeping the following pregnancies to ourselves early on took some of the pain out of it.

Our daughter was born the next winter.  Not a perfect pregnancy and another difficult babyhood with an undiagnosed lactose allergy, but we are here today with a boy and a girl, siblings for each other, and happy as clams.  I always get “the baby itch” right after we’re through the potty training phase.  : )  This last time was no exception, but my husband’s “cutoff” for kids was when he turned 40 – 5 years ago.  My “minimum child count” was always 3, but God had other plans.  He has been more wonderful to us than I can express.  I am still content!

The things that got me through: my daily time with the Lord (absolutely indispensable!); His wonderful words of comfort and assurance (I read a lot of Psalms, Proverbs, and Philippians); my incredible, PATIENT husband; my sweet little miracle boy; my friends who prayed for me, wrote to me, called me, listened to me when I was struggling (you all know who you are); and a spirit of gratitude (every time I was tempted to complain, the Lord would bring to mind all His wonderful blessings in my life – there were others going through SO much worse at the same time).